January 5, 2014


I didn’t have a nice dream last night. That’s why I’m too lazy to sleep now. It’s 3am and I’m not actually sleepy. But I have to wake up fuckin early in the morning today. My dad told me to go to a family thingy today this morning. I believe I don’t actually have to be there. Why the fuck should I go there. Ah. As I’m writing this I just got a picture in my head of the family thingy that will go today. One of my relative is gonna proposed officially to his gf today. I’ve only been to an official proposing thingy once so I didn’t think of it. It’s not an engagement party. But most of relatives of the couple will be there. Honestly I don’t even really know anyone from my father’s side. I even just knew that I have a nephew last year, and he’s already 5 or something.
Since I watched Modern Family, I’ve always wondered what my life would be if my parent didn’t divorce. I’ve never minded with their divorce thingy. It’s really a common situation in life now right? unless you live in 60s….perhaps. I’m an only child so I have no one to talk to about this thing. I’d rather not saying anything about this to my friends because I don’t want them to feel uneasy to me, or pity me. I’m perfectly okay with it but I just sometimes wonder what would happen to me if my parents didn’t divorce. I actually have a brother from my father, whom I just know after 14 or 15 years of my life because my mother didn’t want me to know or something I don’t know. Because he’s from my father’s first marriage. Which I actually would be perfectly fine with it even if I knew from the beginning. Since I was raised as an only child, without siblings, so I always wonder what would it be if I have a sibling(s), like the brother/sister fight or playing with toys together or my sister borrows my clothes without asking permission first, or my brother stands up for me when I got into trouble. I’ve always wondered about things like that.
There’s a time I saw a family in a mall. The father and the son were suddenly playing hide and seek and the mom and daughter look for them. That seemed fun. Sadly it won’t ever happen to me. I don’t remember if that ever happened to me though. But I also wanna have fun with my parents, both of them at the same time. My parents divorced when I was 15 or something. So my childhood wasn’t pretty bad. But I don’t really remember about them actually. I mostly played with my PC or toys. Meanwhile my mom watched tv or read novels and my dad plays with his PC. I often went to my parents’ bedroom before I go to sleep, but most of them only my mom would be there.
When my friends talked about their family, like they were doing something together or such, I usually got jealous. I wouldn’t show it to them though. But I always wonder what would happen if it was my family who’s doing that thing. Sometimes I just imagined about it on my own. 
I’ve always wanted to write about this since some time ago but I didn’t know how to start. I’m glad I finally could write about this now. Whenever I’ve posted about something on my head to my blog, I feel like a weight has been lifted from me. Just like when I was really “uncomfortable” with the student org thingy last summer.

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