July 11, 2013
I know I haven't been really enjoying my life lately, and it's quite sad. I feel everyday is a bad day and there's always major bad mood every day. I don't even have a dream anymore. It's like I've buried all of my dreams. I'm turning 19 soon and that means no more chance to join jkt48. Why isn't it formed like 5 years ago so I'd have more years trying my best for their audition every year, and I'll be younger as well, as they're looking for younger members rather than old members. I'm sooooooo sad. But everytime I see them, I keep wondering to myself, if I were one of them, when would I start complaining about those stuffs that I have to learn, the exercise which is quite heavy for me, but all of those, I'd learn it eventually and adjust with it. Well I'm just the type of person who likes to complain. Not a very good type of person huh. Then the other dream, S, I just don't know. I have no passion for it anymore. And for the stage play which I'm currently interested in, is it still okay for me to have a new dream? is it too late? I don't know why my life isn't enjoyable at the moment. Even though I wanna enjoy it, I can't. It's like I'm already on my limit to be with those many people. I'm not used to be around a lot of people, but this year's a really big difference with the past 18 years of my life. Well, I did adapt with this situation, but it seems I also have my own limit you know. I just deactivated my twitter account. I don't really use it in the past few months so I decided to just deactivate it. Less social, the better, I guess, for right now. I actually also wanna delete my facebook account, but all informations that I have to know about the org are posted there. Fuck. Even when I uploaded a new photo to be my profile picture, some of people from that org commented on that pic. It was only 2 people at first so I just replied it, but then the next day I went onliine it got a few more. And I just don't know what to answer them and too lazy to reply them all as well so I just ignore it. I just want the old me to live in the present, not this current me whom has changed like almost 180°. Hey, high school was quite stressful too with the art workloads and writing a super long essay for business studies and writing another long stories for english, but I could still enjoy them somehow. Even in junior high, when my friends were less than 10 as we're somehow indirectly bullied(?) I don't know I don't really mind those stupid jerks at all though they bad mouthed us, calling us with stupid nicknames and such, still enjoyable. And now??????? what the fuck is happening right now???????? Maybe it's true after all. It's better to have only a few friends rather than having a lot of friends but you aren't happy. Butttttt I don't really even think they're my friends. My friends whom I know from the org are more like colleagues to me, and my friends whom I know from the class are really just like classmates. But my friends from junior high and high school are somewhat I could call them friends, well not all, some are just too hypocrite. I don't have any goals for my life right now and it feels so meaningless. And I don't know what to achieve anymore, everything seems to be soooooo stupid and soooooo not enjoyable.